Reading Webcomics

Looking back at my older posts, I find that they’re not only poorly formatted but also rambling and bordering on the incoherent. To fix this I am going to impose some new rules to adhere to from now on. Rule number 1, I will actually start reading the comics I’m writing about. Rule number 2, if there’s no new comic for that day, I am posting whatever the lazy author has hovering on his/her front page. Rule number 3, I’m going to make some gradual changes to the general layout so that it is no longer as eyegougingly offensive (this one I can at least partially blame on the WordPress software). Rule number 4, no, I am not going to go back and fix the older posts. And finally, rule numer 5, no more lists of five, as I am not good at those.

Okay, with that out of the way, let’s move on to the “funnies”.

Sinfest

If I wanted, I could simply make another Ron Paul joke (it would’ve included the Paul guy beating up the Obama supporter with the Hillary chick crying in the background). But that would be too easy and I’ve got standards to uphold here. By the way, are pigs even allowed to vote in presidential elections? I mean, I know ducks are, but does the same privilege apply to all farm animals?

The Devil’s Panties
This comic is a shoe-in as the winner of the “dumbest name for a comic in the history of comics competition which I just made up” award. Also, I’m not sure whether the girl is exclaiming her disgust by shouting “yick” in the fourth panel, or calling out for some poor Chinese chef to yell at for her own damn mistake.

Count Your Sheep

Come on Adis! Seriously, come the fuck on! This is just… augh! Come on!

Kevin & Kell

Pretty good, but that cat lady in the last panel is not nearly fat enough to fit the bill.

User Friendly

Alternative punchlines from the User Friendly think tank included “suck on my usb-dongle”, “kiss my scsi” and “I’m a fucking knob, please kill me -Illiad”.

I’ve got to be the laziest motherfucker to hit the internet since Scott Ramsoomair. I mean, I do like four updates and decide to fuck off on a sabbatical for three months, if that’s not a prime example of a webcomic artists work ethic, I don’t know what is.

Anyway I’m back for good now (if anyone still believes that) and will try to manage at least three updates a week from now until the day I am found face down in a puddle of my own bile. The reason for my inglorious return is as follows: I heard through the grapevine that the lead inspiration (= place I steal most of my jokes from) for this blog Your Webcomic is Bad and You Should Feel Bad is closing shop for good. If there’s nobody telling these webcomic jerks how much they suck, they’ll eventually get cocky and lazy and soon we’ll have nothing but jokes about the iPhone all across the board.

Sinfest

The Devil’s like a more charismatic Ron Paul, just without the cult internet following and the wacky racism.

Candi

Seriously Jess, just because I substitute dog shit for hair gel doesn’t mean that I’m crazy! Also, your kitchen counter seems to be devouring my hand and your lower body, what’s up with that?

Out There

Today’s edition of Heavy Lidded Romance joins Hairfoot and Apathetic Sweater as their mating ritual is interrupted by john Shaft. Join us next week for the exciting conclusion when it is discovered that Hairfoot is pregnant with Dull Moron’s lovechild.

Wapsi Square

And what’s the deal with shrinks? I mean, all they do is tell you you’re crazy, prescribe you a truckload of pills and charge you eighty bucks an hour, am I right?
… I got nothing. Fuck you Wapsi Square for being so dull that I can’t even come up with a decent burn.

Minimum Security

And fuck you too Minimum Security for being shockingly sane! McMillan and Taylor are going to run me out of business with this level-headed snoozefest they’ve got going on as of late! I could of course criticize the art in this one, but what’s the point? Nobody expects Rembrandt (or even Rall) quality artwork from MS, butI have to admit that I’m kinda shocked that McMillan managed to properly color Kranti’s exquisite and evergreen foliage ensemble. The most probable explanation being that she was going for mauve for the leaves, but the crayon ran out coloring the (presumably) black guy, so she had to get creative.

PvP

I’m not sure, but I think the first three panels are a penis joke and the last two have something to do with science fiction or some such nonsense. I have to admit that It’s nice to see Scott Kurtz returning to form after his misguided attempt to make video game funnies for the last week or two. That form being Illustrator templates and iPhone gags. Also, I think the Apple store guy is trying to hit on Brent in the last panel and is proposing that he (Brent) be the dominant one. Just look at him, dude’s all like “you knew this was coming, so pucker up”.

Dandy & Company

Now here’s one that I haven’t touched on yet, partially since it’s halfway obscure and relatively dull, Dandy & Company.
D&C is a comic about a talking misanthropic dog, the titular Dandy and the various adventures he and his owner boy
get into. These usually involve a handful of supporting characters and contrived plotlines peppered with awkward pacing.

Now, simply going by my introductory speech, you might think that I’m about to talk about a bad comic, yet this is not the
case here, simply a painfully average one. Sure, the art’s nice and has that classic Warner Bros cartoon feel to it, but the
writing and characterization range from passable to downright silly.

I could’ve picked a much better example from the rather large archives than today’s, but since I’ve taken a solemn vow
to only review the latest strip for that day I’m stuck with this dull shit.

Now to the comic itself… well there’s not much to say really, either the joke’s that the pug ugly mother just castrated the
bowling pinheaded father, or that the two haven’t had sex since the boy (Bernard) was born. Either way it’s pretty
standard newspaper funnies fare.

PvP

Oh shit, not this again!

Oh well, atleast the silly CSI story arc has wrapped itself up, so that’s something to be grateful for.
Now, I can’t accurately foresee whether today’s installment is simply a one-off gag, or the beginning
of yet another painfully paced story wherein Brent goes to the same Apple store he
was briefly employed at during the moronic iPhone story/epic/prolonged plug a few weeks or months back.

Hijinx inevitably ensue as Brent runs into his old employer and is forced to hide in the ladies’ restroom while
Skull farts on the manager for three consecutive strips in a row. When the manager finally blacks out, Brent
slyly sneaks out of the restroom in order to snag himself one of them there hot new Leopard operating systems, hot diggity!
During this three-week long story Kurtz manages to cram in at least twelve news posts praising the new MacOS
and it’s fabulous new pre-installed backgrounds or whatever, on his site.

As an amusing side note, I have to add that WordPress suggested “dignity” when I wrote in “diggity”.
Sometimes I think that I should just let the WP software do the driving here.

Minimum Security

As a new type of exercise, and to spare myself, I’ve decided to forgo actually reading today’s Minimum Security
and have simply uploaded the comic here, quickly scrolled down so I can only see the characters and
am now going solely on the information provided to me by the cues in the art.

… Shit.

Well, since the artwork clearly isn’t providing me with adequate indication as to what the fuck’s going on, I’ve
decided to write the dialogue between the tomatoes myself. Well, here goes nothing:

Tomato 1: Wow, this Anti-Flag gig sure is kicking! Oh, did you hear that? The singer just called Bush a clod!
Tomato 2: I agree and am therefore wildly flailing my arms around as a sign of approval for this message.

Tomato 1: Please girlfriend, you’re such a poser! You only came here with me because I promised to take you
to Dairy Queens afterwards.
Tomato 2: No seriously, I totally dig No-Flag and their controversial attitudes towards our government!

Tomato 1: I am instantly placated by your obvious lies, as evidenced by the complete lack of emotion on my visage.
Tomato 2: Kiss me you fool!

Wapsi Square

I don’t really know what to say about today’s Wapsi Square, except “I fucking called it”.
But I wouldn’t be much of a pseudo-journalist if I left it at that, now would I?
I will say that I really like the goofy looking squirrel in the third panel, about to get
brutally maimed by a crazy knife-wielding lady with a huge rack. I wonder if the squirrel
can manage to talk himself out of this situation, since from Monica’s yelling at the poor critter,
we are to assume that it can indeed understand English. There’s only one way to be sure
and that’s why I invited Squirrel J. Nuts here today! what have you got to say for yourself, Squirrel?

Thanks Squirrel.

Sinfest

Man I am running on empty today, possibly because of my slight hangover, or maybe it’s because
there really isn’t much anything noteworthy happening in webcomics today. I will however point out
that I really hope tomorrows Sinfest shows us Slick taking his shades off only to reveal another
pair of shades underneath. With a little imagination, Ishida could stretch out this to be a week long
story arc, consisting entirely of strips where Slick keeps removing more and more pairs of shades
while Monique looks more and more pissed every day. Hell, you could stretch this out to last
a month! Call me Tatsuya, I’ve got more ideas and I’m willing to sell.

Oh, you’re still here Squirrel? Well okay, you can stay. Just don’t get
into any more wacky hijinx while I’m writing, you silly critter, you.
(t-shirts soon available at cafepress!!!)

Kevin & Kell

Today’s K&K takes an educational approach concerning the proper care of your
tree prostitute in order to avoid any common tree-sex related STD’s such as “the ticks”,
moss or the dreaded fungal infestation. Tree prostitution is pretty nasty and I hope
that Holbrook finishes up with this storyline soon, what do you think Squirrel?

… I’m no longer comfortable around you, Squirrel.

Oh boy, it’s Thursday already? You know what that means? The same thing as yesterday, more webcomics!
Not much going on today in the funnypages (get it?) so this is gonna be a quick one.

Candi

As I didn’t bother to actually read any of the comics preceding todays episode of Candi, I’m not sure
whether the titular character shown here (with a lovely green tint on her face to indicate nausea)
simply ate too much ice cream, or if it was actually laced with laxatives. The reason I’m drawn to the
latter conclusion is due to the last panel, where she appears to have collapsed to the floor and is now
violently projectile vomiting upwards.

Wapsi Square

It seems that during the second panel, Monica switched her interests from pumpkin vivisection to now
anthropomorphizing her fingers. Of course Tepoztecal misconstrues her knife-waving in a manner
reminiscent of classic sitcoms and believes himself to be next in line to satisfy Monica’s ever growing blood lust.
As a side note I have to point out Monica’s belt, which I believe to be the only thing holding her two halves together
at this point.

User Friendly

The two computer geeks are about to get devoured by an irate giant leech.
Good riddance, I say.